


rays on moving maps

by lotts (LottieAnna)



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Character Study, Coming Out, Fluff, Getting Together, I had some feelings, Love, M/M, Podfic Available, Trans Character, trans people being loved is really the point here
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-19
Updated: 2018-07-19
Packaged: 2019-06-12 15:27:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15342813
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LottieAnna/pseuds/lotts
Summary: “You could just say you’re a man,” Auston says.Mitch wrinkles his nose. “Am I old enough to be a man? Like, I’m too old to be a boy, I guess, but if anything, I’d say I’m a guy, or a dude.”





	rays on moving maps

**Author's Note:**

> IF YOU FOUND THIS THROUGH GOOGLING, KNOW ANYONE MENTIONED IN THIS STORY PERSONALLY, OR ARE MENTIONED YOURSELF: please, please click away. This is a work of fiction and nothing written in this story is true. Any accurate information used in this story is publicly available information about public figures, the rest is made up, 100%.
> 
> i was having a lot of not-quite-perfect gender feelings. naturally, i decided to project them onto mitch marner. this is just one trans person's experience, written in a way that was honest and healing for me. contains a brief conversation about sex. untagged characters include unnamed reporters and harrison browne. all only appear for brief snippets of dialogue or are simply mentioned.
> 
> thank you ali and thank you ki <3 all mistakes are my own.

Mitch’s parents didn’t get his name right, but they also didn’t get his gender right, and that’s pretty common for people whose parents got their name and gender right, so he doesn’t hold it against them. 

The funny thing is, he chose the name because of _ Camp Rock _ , of all things, back when he was a kid. It was easy enough to justify it as part of a kid’s obsession with a Disney Channel movie about music and the power of friendship, or whatever, but secretly, Mitch just liked the fact that he’d had to do a double take to check that the lead girl was actually a girl. To this day he feels strangely grateful every time he sees a picture of Demi Lovato, because in his head, she was the first one to let him know that girls could have boys’ names sometimes, and he really needed to hear that.

Mitch might be named after a girl, but he isn’t a girl, never has been and never will be. 

That’s not really public information, but he’s doing alright for himself; he’s got the name he wants, which bears no resemblance to the name his parents chose for him, and he’s a hockey player, so he gets away with spending his day in sports bras. He’s surrounded by guys, more or less, and they really don’t treat him any different, because gender is sort of a ‘we won’t talk about it if you don’t’ kind of deal with them, and obviously, Mitch isn’t all that inclined to bring it up. 

So it’s really just pronouns and the fact that lots of people think he’s a girl not named Mitch, but the ones who matter know he’s Mitch Marner and that he plays hockey, and he doesn’t care much beyond that. 

…… 

Mitch realizes he loves Auston Matthews in a Starbucks. 

Not even, like, romantic love, just— love. Like, ‘wow, this person is great and I’m pretty sure we’re best friends’ love. ‘I want to spend all my time with you’ love. ‘I think I like the person he sees me as, and I think I can be that person’ love. 

It’s not underwhelming, not overwhelming, just— well, whelming isn’t a word, so Mitch is just gonna call it nice. 

“Are those our drinks?” Auston asks, looking confused, as Mitch walks over, white chocolate mocha in one hand, pumpkin spice latte in the other.

“Yeah?” Mitch says. “You literally saw me order it while I was sitting in your car. You made me pay for yours too, remember?” He slides the PSL across the table. “And we agreed to never tell any of our teammates what we order here?” 

“They didn’t call out—“ he cuts himself off. “Oh, right.“

“Yeah,” Mitch says. “That’s the name on my credit card, so.”

“I always forget that exists,” Auston says. “Like— I dunno. You’re Mitch. Other names are...”

“Weird?” Mitch says. “Yeah, I— yeah. I don’t love it, but.” He shrugs, like,  _ what can you do. _

Auston runs a finger under the band of his watch. “There’s something I’ve been meaning to ask you.”

“Hm?” Mitch’s heart rate picks up a little, not sure of the direction Auston’s going in.

“Um,” Auston says. “It’s just— you have a different name, one that’s, like, more... girly? Than the name you use, and you— there’s all this stuff about being a woman in the league, or whatever, and you don’t really talk about it— not that you, like, have to, but... it’s like, you don’t really— I don’t really think of you like that, because you don’t seem to want us to.“ 

Mitch has never seen Auston stumble over his words like this before; usually, if Auston doesn’t know the right thing to say, he stays quiet. “It’s not that important to me, all the... the feminism stuff, it helps lots of girls, and it doesn’t help me.” He thinks that’s an appropriate answer. It’s technically accurate. 

“The other day someone called you sir,” Auston goes on, picking at the sleeve of his coffee cup. “You didn’t correct him.”

Mitch doesn’t even remember that; he’s been called a guy often enough, and he’s mostly been happy to let it happen, because it’s more accurate, even if he knows he’s more likely being mistaken for an adolescent boy than an actual grown man. 

He’s still scared, but something about the way Auston’s asking— he wants to trust him with this. “I’ve got short hair. That kind of thing happens.”

“But— you seemed kinda happy about it, so. I dunno. I sort of think of you as a guy in my head.” He’s not meeting Mitch’s eye. “I probably shouldn’t, but it sort of just happened, and I’m, uh, sorry if that’s sexist, or whatever.”

Mitch doesn’t know much about sexism. He does know that he’s not a girl, though, and that he loves not being thought of as one without having to try. “That’s fine. That’s, like— if you wanna think of me that way.”

“But is it— is it closer to how you think of yourself?” He shakes his head. “Actually, no, you don’t have to answer—“

“Yeah,” Mitch says, before he can overthink it, because it’s not really something he’s ever said out loud before. “Yeah, it’s— I think of myself as a guy, sometimes.”

“How much is sometimes?”

Mitch shrugs, and he’s tempted to downplay it, but this is a rare opportunity. “Got a new name, didn’t I?”

Auston nods. “So it’s kind of— it’s an always thing?”

“More or less.”

“So you’re a guy,” Auston says, and it doesn’t sound like a question, just— confirmation. 

Mitch has never felt like anyone’s been on this same page with him before. 

“I don’t wanna make it into a thing, but if it’s easier for both of us—” He shrugs. “Yeah, I’m a guy, if you wanna— talk about me like one, that’s cool.”

“Cool,” Auston says, and then, because he’s nothing if not gifted at brushing over anything remotely resembling a big deal, “Just so you know, pumpkin spice is so much better than mocha, if you’re gonna go for a bougie latte.”

“I’ll fucking fight you,” Mitch says. 

“The coffee flavor enhances the spices,” Auston says, probably just parroting Cees. “It’s a good drink.”

Mitch rolls his eyes, and he’s still got a weird nervous feeling in his stomach for the rest of the afternoon, like he’s waiting for the other shoe to drop, but Auston doesn’t really do much different, and if he seems to be seeing Mitch in a new light, it’s not in the way that makes Mitch feel weird, the way it does when he has to talk around not being a girl. 

It’s a pretty nice afternoon, all things considered. 

……  

People are weird about gender, and Mitch has always known this, but it becomes more apparent when he makes some comment to the media about not caring about what pronouns people use or what gender people think he is, and it blows up. 

“It’s controversial, apparently,” Auston says, scrolling through twitter. “Wanna hear what they’re saying?”

“I mean, yeah, but I probably shouldn’t.”

“It’s not bad,” Auston says. “Lots of people are excited, just—“

“I know,” Mitch says. “But they’re probably all trying to guess, or turn it into something, and— I dunno. I said what I said.”

“You could just say you’re a man,” Auston says.

Mitch wrinkles his nose. “Am I old enough to be a man? Like, I’m too old to be a boy, I guess, but if anything, I’d say I’m a guy, or a dude. Not a man.”

“Fine, a male, then,” Auston says. “Don’t you wanna set the record straight?” 

“You’re doing that thing where you try to get me to explain shit to you that I don’t wanna explain,” Mitch says. Usually Auston’s pretty good about it, but sometimes Mitch has to nudge him a little. 

“Sorry,” Auston says. “I’ll drop it.”

Mitch thinks about how he can explain it, the way he’s never wanted to think much about labels, the way gender seemed like more effort than it was worth, the way he knows the world is changing around him and he doesn’t know how to reconcile the fact that people keep putting him in the wrong box but right now he doesn’t have the time or energy or desire to put out a deeply personal statement full of truths he doesn’t want to commit to permanently. He knows that he doesn’t want to be a trans athlete, for no particular reason other than the fact that it comes with a lot of responsibilities. He doesn’t want to worry that the fact that he’s lived with being mistaken for a girl for so long will make him an example for parents of trans kids to point to and say, ‘Marner did it this way, so you can, too.’

“It’s just, like— I’m trying to be the kind of player I wish I’d gotten to see growing up. That’s why I said anything at all, but also why I’m not saying more.”

“Okay,” Auston says, nodding. “Thanks.”

“For what?”

“Telling me,” Auston says. 

Mitch elbows him, smiling. “Don’t worry about it,” he says. “Thanks for listening.”

Auston turns a delightful shade of red as he grins back at Mitch, and Mitch’s stomach does something terrifying and wonderful at the sight of it. 

……  

In hindsight, Auston’s first attempt at asking Mitch out is hilarious, because he manages to take Mitch out on a whole-ass date without actually clueing him in to the fact that it’s a date. He doesn’t figure it out until a kiss at the end of the night that’s very nearly a disaster, except Mitch realizes what’s happening and kisses him the fuck back just in the nick of time. 

“Oh my god,” Mitch says, laughing as he pulls back. “I know you have this, like, obsessive need to be chill, but _dude._ Seriously?”

“I thought you’d figure it out when I said I’d drive,” Auston says. 

The thing is, Mitch has had his suspicions, but he knows for a fact that Auston only likes guys, and, like, he knows Auston thinks of him as a guy, but still— it’s not a level of consideration as a dude that he’s ever been granted. 

“You can just use your words,” Mitch says, instead of any of that. 

“Fine,” Auston says. “This was a date. Hope that’s chill.”

“Chill,” Mitch echoes, laughing, and instead of wasting his breath on teasing his ridiculous best friend, he leans in to kiss him again. Chirping can happen any day, he figures, but first kisses are special.

……  

“So, like, elephant in the room,” Mitch says, when they’re both shirtless and making out in Auston’s bed later that night. “I’ve got the whole vagina thing going.”

“Oh,” Auston says, in a way that Mitch thinks means,  _ I wasn’t sure if I was allowed to be worried about that but I sure was. _

“And if we get around to sex stuff— or, I guess, when? We get around to sex stuff?”

“When,” Auston confirms. “It’s when for me if it’s when for you.”

“Right, so, when, then,” Mitch says. “Google will tell you confusing shit, so— here’s the thing, it’s fine if you don’t wanna go near that, but it’s also fine if you do? Just— it’s not the same for other people like me, but those are the house rules here.”

“What do you mean?” 

Talking about sex is always awkward, and Mitch knows this, so he tries to persevere despite the mutual discomfort. “If you wanna get me off, you have to— y’know, get into the vagina side of things, but if that makes it hard for you to remember you’re having sex with a dude, you can, y’know.” He jerks a thumb over his shoulder, pretending he’s not bright red. “Go backdoor.” 

Auston looks at him for a second, then nods slowly, and Mitch gets the sense that he’s a little overwhelmed, but dealing with it relatively well. “I have a strap on.”

It takes Mitch a beat, but then he realizes what Auston’s saying and gives him approving finger guns. “Yes, yep, I like that plan a lot.”

……  

The first time Mitch sees someone call him and Auston ‘boyfriends,’ he stares at the tweet for a long time. 

It’s a beat reporter talking about their bye week plans, and it’s not like their relationship has been a secret, but there’s a difference between seeing people use ‘significant other’ or ‘partner’ and seeing the word  _ boyfriend _ . 

He doesn’t want to make it a thing, but he really does like seeing that sometimes. 

The replies are filled with the usual bigotry, and also some claims that she’s somehow mislabeling him, which is weird, because he’d never claimed any label, especially not one that made ‘boyfriends’ seem wrong. 

“She’s getting ratioed,” Auston says, looking over Mitch’s shoulder. “Sure you wanna keep reading?”

“I like being boyfriends,” Mitch says, and he feels Auston press a kiss to his cheek, then leans back as he puts his arms around him.

“I like being boyfriends too.”

Mitch purses his lips, and then, because he’s feeling kind of weird about the whole thing, hits retweet. 

_ boyfriends... feels good to see B) _

“Should I tweet this?” he asks, tilting his phone screen to show Auston. 

“If you want,” Auston says, his expression carefully blank. “You don’t have to weigh in.”

“I know,” Mitch says, and then, after a second’s hesitation, hits send. 

…… 

“How has it been since you came out as a trans man, have any other athletes reached out to you?”

He knows that commentators have been avoiding using pronouns to talk about him, knows he’s been sort of a question mark for most of the season that no one really has the vocabulary for, but in the last week it’s felt like a huge step in the right direction, which is a little scary, considering he’s spent so much time treading carefully when it comes to stuff like this. 

“Uh, yeah, y’know, I spoke to Harrison Browne, watched a few of his videos,” Mitch says. “Obviously his experience is really different, but he’s a really great guy, I enjoyed talking to him a lot. But, y’know, this has always just been who I am, so it’s not really a big difference, so, yeah, I don’t really think I said anything in the last few weeks that I hadn’t said before.”

“Did you have any hesitations about saying something directly because of the pressure the league puts on trans athletes, or things other players have said?”

“Um,” Mitch says, “well, these things are pretty personal, so I just said whatever felt right at the moment and tried to just balance being honest with, y’know, keeping things private.” 

He’s shaking a little once the scrum is over, and Auston must sense that he’s really not in the mood to talk about it at all, so they go get milkshakes and watch a movie at Mitch’s place. 

He kind of wants to apologize to Auston for dragging him into all this bullshit, but he figures Auston signed up for it, and really, that would just make both of them feel worse, so he lets himself be helped and reminds himself that, at least with Auston, this isn’t hard. 

……  

When the offseason comes, Mitch goes down to Arizona for a few weeks, which is a mistake, because Arizona is really fucking hot. 

“It’s not fair that you get to go shirtless and I don’t,” Mitch complains, when he and Auston are walking back to his house on one particularly brutal afternoon. “Like, I’m pretty sure your pecs are bigger than my boobs.”

“You’re the one who thought a run was a good idea,” Auston says. 

“I said that when we were in your air conditioned house,” Mitch says. “I wasn’t in a state to make these kinds of choices.”

“Well, I mean, you’re pretty flat, honestly,” Auston says. “Would people even notice?” 

Mitch fixes him with a look. “They’re still boobs, so, yes, they would.”

“I guess,” Auston says, then squeezes his hand sympathetically. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine, I’ll just overheat and die,” Mitch says. “All because I never wanted to deal with getting these things off my chest.”

Auston smiles a little at the joke, but then his expression turns thoughtful. “Have you ever considered it?”

“What, top surgery?” He shrugs. “I mean, Brownie—like, Harry, not Connor—he got it. I looked into it when I was younger. It’s not a big deal, but it’s still surgery, y’know?”

“Fair enough,” Auston says. “I didn’t know you talked to him about that kind of stuff.”

“It’s nice to talk to someone who gets it,” Mitch says. 

“You can talk to me if you want to, y’know,” Auston says. “About, like, trans stuff.”

Mitch doesn’t really like the word trans, even if he knows it’s more or less what he is, technically, and likes the people he’s met because that’s what he is. He likes who he is, doesn’t feel like less of a dude when people call him a trans dude, but there’s still something refreshing about how he can keep being a dude who wasn’t born a dude with Auston, how he can enjoy it, even, without having to add a word that turns it into a whole cause. He likes how Auston sort of just sees him the way he likes to be seen first and foremost, and how the world’s reactions are secondary. 

“I know I can,” he says, and then he puts both his hands on Auston’s face and gets up on his toes to kiss his forehead. “I just don’t really want to.”

“Just making sure you knew,” Auston says. “Y’know. Checking in. Whatever.”

“Yeah, yeah, attentive boyfriend crap,” Mitch says, sounding more fond than anything else. 

“You’re a pretty attentive boyfriend too,” Auston points out. 

“Guess this worked out well, then,” Mitch says.

He grabs Auston’s hand, gives it a gentle squeeze, and lets himself bask in the dumb, dorky grin Auston gives him, sun be damned.

**Author's Note:**

> i wasn't sure if there was anything that needed to be warned for, but if you think there is please let me know!
> 
> -picture mitch marner playing with ferrets. you're welcome.  
> -it was very important for my purposes that mitch wasn't deadnamed in this fic. i don't know exactly what his deadname is, but for some reason in my head it begins with a d?  
> -sometimes u read good trans fic and get inspired by it. i know there's other trans mitch out there. i've read and loved it all. not all trans people experience and conceptualize gender the same way, and not all trans people have the same feelings about their trans-ness.  
> -please share your thoughts and reactions, and keep in mind that this was kinda personal for me to write.  
> -a story about a boy and also about love

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[podfic] rays on moving maps](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17129300) by [growlery](https://archiveofourown.org/users/growlery/pseuds/growlery)




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